12 Aug A mixed bag of emotions…
Some of you will know that I am mum to a beautiful 16 month old girl, Isabel.
These past couple of years have been somewhat of a rollercoaster – starting up a business when pregnant, trying to keep it going through that sleep-deprived haze of the first few months, and then having the opportunity of a lifetime to merge with an amazing business partner and knowing that you’re onto something special, and that you’re going to achieve great things together.
Today is another milestone, it’s Isabel’s first full day at nursery.
I’m not really sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I see the hours luxuriously stretching out in front of me, looking forward to seeing how much work I can achieve, and realising just how unproductive I was when I was in employment.
On the other, I feel guilty for leaving her in a nursery, dreading the crying and clinging onto my legs, trying not to well up as I shut the door behind me, I’ve not left her with strangers for this long before.
Looking forward to being able to go to the loo on my own, having a conference call with my business partner without having to pacify my daughter with breadsticks, yet missing her more than I thought I would, and counting down the hours until I can pick her up again.
I never thought I’d feel such mixed emotions about juggling a business and motherhood, the guilt, the fatigue, the excitement, the wishing I did this ten years ago.
But would I change it? Not on your nelly. I know that it’s all going to be worth it. I’m too blinking stubborn to give up on it now, I’m having the best time in my career, and this motherhood malarkey is pretty awesome too.
So, what am I going to do today? I’ve got two new business meetings, two potential clients that I’m quite excited about. I’m going to turn the telly to something other than CBeebies while I have my lunch. I’m going to have lunch. And I’m going to nail my to-do list so that I can enjoy the evening with my husband. I’m going to enjoy the silence, and enjoy being me for a while.
I’ve not been very good at separating working, being mum and relaxing. I’m learning on the job. I know there’s times when I’m trying to be too many things to too many people. I feel like I have to be superwoman because I don’t want to feel like being a mum is holding me back in my business.
But I think that Isabel going to nursery is going to be a good thing. She’ll get to do fun things and get messy, I get to focus on my work. And when I pick her up, I can pay full attention to her and shower her with kisses and tell her how much I missed her.
It may just mean I get some semblance of routine back in my life, some order and structure and defined roles. And that can only be a good thing.
Just remind me of that when I hand her over and try and sneak out before she sees I’ve gone…